None of This Is Their Fault

I might be the only person on the internet who's genuinely excited to turn on "The Valley." I find it an interesting case study on relationships and how quickly they can shift from being healthy to toxic—it can happen before the first commercial break!

The third season of the show was the first without Jax Taylor, Brittany Cartwright's estranged ex. But despite its local villain semi-eradicated, the San Fernando Valley was still plagued with difficulties, leaving many of the stars emotionally battered due to circumstances beyond their control. Here's a recap, in case you missed it:

Brittany found a new man who was totally dependable and not anything like her ex. It's not her fault he lives several hours away. It's also not her fault he took off work to help care for her after her "mommy makeover" and needed money to take care of his children. And it's certainly not her fault she gave him nearly $10,000 to cover his expenses—blame her "maternal instinct." Is the instinct in the room with us right now? Did it also tell her to fold Jax's $1 million tax debt into her mortgage payment? Sounds like something it would do.

Danny Booko welcomed a new daughter—"four under four, baby!"—and celebrated 10 years of marriage to Nia Sanchez, a former Miss USA. He also worked very hard to move his family into a beautiful home in Santa Clarita overlooking "Booko Mountain," giving cast plenty of reasons to celebrate him.

It's not his fault everyone keeps talking about his drinking. Sure, he put on a bad wig, gold heels, and was disrespectful to his wife, but he hadn't slept, and these situations were "heightened." Just like the couch cushions producers gave castmates at the reunion to make him look shorter than he actually is. Blame Janet for this false narrative—no, Lala. Actually, it was baby Adelaide on Reddit with her not-so-secret burner "exclusively_breastfed," because none of this was an issue before she popped out.

First came love for Kristen Doute and Luke Broderick, then came baby Kaia, and marriage? There might not be one, according to Luke. But that's just one of those things. It's not their fault they can't agree on which state to live in—Colorado and California are basically the same place! It's not Luke's fault he can't stop thinking about having sex. And it's certainly not Kristen's fault Luke would rather have an enema than hear the "daily criticism" of things he does wrong as a father.

You know, "The Valley" would be a lot more peaceful if Jax would just leave all these parents alone.